3 causes of frustration couples have after having kids (and how to solve them)

(Reading time: 5 minutes)

If you are a parent, you know there are few events that can change your life more radically than having a child.

There may be times when you cannot even remember how your life looked like before the arrival of your little bundle of joy.

You may have troubles even recalling how your romantic life was.

Indeed, it’s very easy to get overwhelmed by the role of the parent, and forget that you are a partner, too!

Here are 3 major problems you may face in your romantic relationship after having kids:

1) Not having deep, connecting conversations with your partner anymore

Before kids you were already busy. We live in a society where we are constantly assaulted by tons of information and need to get things done as quickly as possible.

But after kids? Your free time is much less, and when your kids finally get asleep at night, you may be exhausted.

Before having kids you may have spent hours, even into the night, to talk with your partner and know them better.

Now, you treasure every extra hour you can rest, so your long heartfelt conversations may feel just a memory.

Since those exchanges can strengthen the bond between the couple, not having them may let you feel like you and your partner are growing apart.

How can you fix this?

You don’t necessarily need to spend hours to have connecting conversations with your partner.

You may instantly feel more connection if you just give your partner your full attention when they are talking to you, especially if it’s about an important topic.

It’s important to avoid multitasking here! Feeding your kid while talking will inevitably distract you.

Establishing eye contact is another important key to reinforce your conversations.

If the topic you would like to discuss is particularly important, it would be great to schedule some time with your partner when you two are alone and both ready to talk about it.

2) Forgetting that your partner has emotional needs, too!

When we have kids we tend to devote all our attention to them. They are fragile little creatures that depend on us, after all.

And we know all too well that kids need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging to grow up healthy.

But these needs are not specific to children. Every human being is hardwired for human connection.

And your partner is no different.

How can you fix this?

There are several ways to fill the love “bucket” of your partner. You don’t need to come up with fancy ideas, like making a reservation in a cabin by the sea for a week.

Tiny little things done every day can go a long way!

For instance, asking your partner how their day went and listening with intention makes them feel heard and seen. If something interrupts the conversation (e.g. your kid asking for something not urgent), do not immediately shift your focus toward the interruption, as this would make your partner feel like they are not your priority.

When you are apart during the day, a sweet text message to tell them you are thinking of them will make them smile.

Another way to show them your affection is via physical contact. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, I make it a priority to give a warm, long hug to my husband every day. Unexpected kisses are great too!

(Why do I specified long hug? Because research has showed that hugging for at least 20 seconds increases the release of oxytocin, facilitating relationship-building.)

3) Having different parenting styles

You may arrive at a point where it’s you against your partner.

You two may have a different approach on how to raise your kid.

Maybe you think that your kids should not eat sweet stuff, while your partner does not see any harm in that. Or you believe you should always be understanding toward your kids, while your partner thinks they need a stricter response when they misbehave.

And you end up having heated discussions around pretty much everything.

How can you fix this?

I believe the best way to overcome this challenge is to remember that you and your partner may have different tactics, but your aim is likely the same: raising an independent, respectful child. You both are expressing your love to your child, even if in different ways.

Keeping in mind that you two are in the same team will completely change your disagreements: “we both want our child to be healthy, and I believe he’s eating too many sugary things. I know that for you this is not a big deal, but would you be OK to help me reduce his access to sweet stuff?”.

Another way to face this challenge is embracing the following fact: “You cannot control others. You can only control yourself.”

If you really think your approach is better than your partner’s, let the results convince them! And even if nothing changes, no worries! Being exposed to different personalities will give your child a more rounded perspective.

Now it’s your turn!

Are you facing any of these problems? Which one is the most challenging to you? How are you tackling it? Leave a comment: I’d love to know!