How to manage conflicts

How conflicts arise

When we analyze any situation, we climb the so-called “ladder of inference“.

We (1) select the details resonating with our life experience,

(2) add meaning to them,

(3) draw conclusions,

(4) adopt belief, and

(5) take action.

Different experiences and backgrounds can make two persons have a totally different perception of the same exact situation, and this can lead to conflicts.

A real life example: the story of the rooster

The following story is a real life situation shared by conflict resolution expert Catherine J. Morrison during one of her lectures:

“Imagine a racially integrative neighborhood of a small city in Pennsylvania.

The houses are all side by side, divided by tall fences, without a front yard and with a narrow back yard.

I come back home from work and hear my dogs barking, which is very unusual.

I infer something is going on, get inside the house, and through the window see a man, who happens to be a Latino, in my back yard.

He has an empty pillow case in his hand, watches the house, takes a couple of steps, watches the house, and takes a couple of steps. At the same time, I see another man coming down from the fence to join him.

I come to the conclusion that what is going to happen is not in my best interest, nor in that of the two men in my back yard.

Strongly believing in peace making, I decide to go and have a difficult conversation with the two men.

Fueled by adrenaline, I open the back door.

That’s when I can finally see… the rooster!

The man with the pillow case manages to stuff the rooster inside the pillow case, passes it to his friend, then turns towards me and starts yelling “So, what’s going on with you here now, eh?”.

Confused, I ask the reason of his anger.

It turns out that he went to the front door, saw someone in the house, knocked repeatedly to ask permission to get to the back yard, but got no response. He then had to climb all the five fences of the houses separating his from mine, to see me pop out “cool as a cucumber” only when he was vulnerable in my back yard.

It ended up with the two of us understanding our mutual misunderstanding and having a good laughter together.”

How can you manage conflicts?

Conflicts happen in everyone’s life.

Trying to avoid them at all cost not only can lead us to a burnout, but can also deprive us of the opportunity to deepen and improve our relationships.

If managed the right way, conflicts give us the chance to learn more about the background and life experiences of the other person.

So… how can we make the most out of them?

Cool down

Before trying to resolve any conflict, we need to calm down in order to recover our rationality (when we are in an emotional storm, our logical abilities are numbed!).

A few deep breaths or a stroll around the block may be good ideas!

Listen to the other person

We should climb a few rounds down our ladder of inference to really understand the point of view of the other person.

Here lies the learning opportunity offered by conflicts, which we often miss because we are too busy trying to prove that we are right.

Don’t make it personal

The “affective” conflicts shift the focus from the real issue to the person, undermining the discussion by triggering defensiveness and limiting the participation in the problem-solving.

To avoid this, we should limit the use of pronouns (e.g. you and me) and do not try to guess why the other person did what bothered us.

Instead, we should focus on what we know, i.e. the impact that their action had on us.

For instance, we can replace “you always (speak to me harshly)” with “I feel (hurt) when you (speak to me harshly) and I wish you (could use a softer tone next time)”.

Create a list of the issues, and discuss them one at a time

Having a list with the issues to be discussed helps keeping the conversation on a rational level and the distractions at bay.

Clarify our assumptions

After we listened to the other person’s perspective, we should explain our point of view, and state what we think might be a positive resolution to the issue.

Be reasonable and open to solutions

Being bullheaded will likely result in a negative outcome.

We should focus on a win-win situation, and, if possible, suggest solutions ourselves.

Now it’s your turn!

Can you think of one conflict ended badly because you assumed the other person’s thoughts? If you don’t already do it, will you try to focus on understanding the other point of view instead of trying to make your point when your next conflict arises?

References

The ladder of inference was first developed by Chris Argyris, then included in The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook by Peter Senge, 1994.